Reverend Meta

nomen nudum

2008-11-06T00:55:56Z

non impediti ratione congitatonis
non in legendo sed in intelligendo legis consistunt
nisi prius
nil volentibus arduum
nil sine labore
nil satis nisi optimum

nil nisi bonum de mortuis dicere.

to any of my old LJ friends: no i do not plan on starting posting here again, i already have more than enough web presence. i use this to keep up with people. but do drop me a line and say hi so i can hear from you and return the favour.
saludamos!

metarage @ 2003-08-15T17:44:00

2003-08-15T22:44:10Z

...

exeunt

2002-01-04T15:12:40Z

i want to end this on the best note possible, so here i go.

for the past however many months, i have been throwing myself head long into ideas and theories, and i think i have now fully arrived at what i think will be my outlook on life for the next few years, if not all my remaining years.

humanity, as a races/species/thing, is flawed. the 'best' human being ever was a horrid creature because he was human. constant bombartments from other stupid humans, our senses, it's enough to dull anyone's brain to the point of becoming animal-like and anti-cognizant. all we have are our senses, our three dimensions, and our minds. USE THEM ALL PEOPLE!

it wasn't too many years ago that i was admiring the few kids in black that weren't depressed, weren't angry, weren't hyper. they were stoic. they read alot. they actively pursued whatever it was that mattered to them despite what the rest of existence was occupying itself with. every time their mouths opened something would come out that pique'd my interest. they had few friends and were so often alone. now i am one of those kids, and i personally think that this is the best path for me if i am to ever realize any of my dreams, aspirations or visions. you people can have your emotional outbursts and your mind-games and your histrionics. personally, they don't do a damned thing for me, and i can accomplish alot more of what i feel are meaningful accomplishments without them.

while i do not recommend this lifestyle to everyone, there are a few elements, which i consider strengths, that i have incorporated into my self, and these i would recommend. you must learn to be able to rely on yourself for happiness and motivation. other people will NOT always be there, and you cannot be so dependent that when you are left alone for 20 minutes you go to pieces and gash those pasty wrists of yours. people come and go, relationships come and go, pets come and go, bands come and go, everything comes and goes except your mind. you will always have that until you die, and then you'll have it again when you are resurrected and burned in hellfire. you must find it within yourself to be strong in the face of life's crap, because no matter what you do, it will come.the good stuff in life, however, will usually NOT come unless YOU MAKE SOME EFFORT. and if you cannot make efforts to make yourself and those around you happy unless you are surrounded with your preferred companions, then you have MANY a dark spell ahead of you, just as you do behind you already. making efforts that you feel are both progressive and positive WILL NOT lessen the bad stuff much, and it is important that you know that. but it WILL ensure that things you consider good also come. that is why you must be able to draw strength from within yourself whenever you do not have others to whine at, and that is also why you must learn to appreciate things that deserve appreciation.

the person who only appreciates a night of hot sex and warm cuddling by a fire with someone they think they love will be awfully unhappy the vast majority of the time in their lifespan. the person who only appreciates receiving an unexpectedly large amount of money will be awfully unhappy the vast majority of the time in their lifespan. the person whose entire life is based around reaction and not action will be awfully unhappy the vast majority of their lifespan.

i do not say this because i want to give a boost to all the depressive lethargic asses out there, i say this because when you are unhappy, you, being a stupid miserable human, will not give half a crap about other stupid miserable humans. if you don't think this is true, then pop that bubble you're in and take a good look around you.

i am also not saying that you should make efforts only to better the lives of others, because if your life sucks in your opinion, then your efforts to make others' lives better will be moot, i can guarantee it.

if you really, REALLY want to be happy, you have to be able to accomplish whatever your personal state of happiness is without other people, and be able to use a part of your happiness state as a motivation to make other people happy.

this dirtball planet of ours has been doing the whole rotation thing for anywhere from a few thousand to several billion years, and all you get is a brief shot, from 0.01 to 130 years at extreme rare best. how is the world going to be different when you are rotten worm food?

DO NOT LIVE A PASSIVE, PLACID, COMPLACENT LIFE THAT ONLY SEEMS GOOD TO YOU WHEN OTHERS MAKE IT SO, because if you do, you are wasting the air and resources of those of us who are trying to get this shit race out of the crapper it's been in ever since it's been around.

as has often been said, there is only progression and digression. are you progressing? if not, find out why not, and maybe you'll find that peeling your ass off that seat won't be as earth-movingly difficult as everyone's been telling you.

i've said this next part before in different words, but i'm going to say it again. we have an advantage over other animals. not opposable thumbs, not old navy hotpants, it's our cognizance. if you don't know what that means, look it up, it's important. anyway, the operating point here is DON'T LET YOURSELF BE A TYPICAL EARTH CREATURE. you don't have to be. exercise that sponge in your head once in awhile, the results will not only better you but probably those around you as well as long as you aren't a misanthropic recluse.

if you live your whole life reacting to sensory stimuli and relying on others to feel a state you know as happiness, then you haven't done a damn thing for me, your mother, or yourself, and that's a problem. surely you don't want your post-mortum legacy to be one of vapid self-service?

and if you are the type of person that doesn't like to read much, think much, help other people much, or anything slightly related, then i encourage you to try to imagine our planet filled with 6 billion people just like you. sure, you'd have alot more old navy hotpants and electric toothbrushes, but you wouldn't have any ideas as to what a black hole was. what's that you say? black holes aren't important to you? i'll bet you think they are when you hear that our galaxy may have a supermassive black hole at its center.

oh, and if that last sentence scares you, then you really need to do, at very least, some brief research.

so here you are, an insignificant maggot on the face of a dirtball in a rather large piece of nothing somewhere in the jolly land of existence. you don't need to become a monk, you don't need to become a hippy, you don't need to become a fire-and-brimstone preacher. all you need to do is REALLY care about yourself and at least TRY to care about other people. trying to act independent of sensory stimuli would probably help as well.

the way i prefer to think of it is this: if everyone cared about themselves and made valid efforts to care about others, the world would be in better shape. and while that obviously won't happen due to the overwhelming number of self-serving digressionists, as long as you make the effort, you're doing something and are better than them and can piss on them at your leisure.

tried helping yourself and other people before? had it blow up in your face? so what? that kind of crap happens. alot. the fact is that you are making an effort, you are doing something genuinely progressive and relatively positive and absolutely wonderful.

you do not have to be ignorant.
you do not have to be helpless.
you do not have to be a victim.
you do not have to be dishonest.
you do not have to be self-centered.
you do not have to be selfless.
you do not have to me a simple-minded animal among 6 billion other simple-minded animals on a little dirtball.

the smallest amount of effort can transform you into a genuinely-interested-simple-minded animal among 6 billion other simple-minded animals on a little dirtball.

the smallest amount of effort can transform you into a relatively-intelligent-minded animal among 6 billion other simple-minded animals on a little dirtball.

the smallest amount of effort can transform you into an animal that is doing its damnedest not to be a simple-minded animal among 6 billion other simple-minded animals on a little dirtball.

the key to granting yourself strength independent of social interaction and stimulus is to remove yourself from it from time to time, be sure and confident in yourself that you can exist for awhile by acting instead of constantly reacting.

it doesn't take a philosophy class, it doesn't take a life of celibacy, it dosn't take your becoming a social outcast. while these things may help certain individuals in their efforts, they are not mandatory.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU CARE ENOUGH TO MAKE SOME EFFORT.

our world is going to be spinning awhile longer, and you'll die soon enough - so will alot of people, and alot of those people won't have ever made any efforts to progress or better their lives or the lives of others. however, if YOU make the efforts, then there will always be some people making efforts, and humanity as the stinking thing it is will be bettered, in however large or small a way, because of those efforts. you will benefit. a few others will benefit. everyone else will die ignorant and sad.

sparkmage, albino squirrel, gougemyeyesout, omnicortex, alek, rex, spudmoney, miyu, everyone: livejournal has had its moments for me. i enjoyed exchanging ideas with some of you. i have even talked with some of you on AIM, but for those that i haven't, if you ever want to IM me, my AIM name is 'ReverendMeta' and my e-mail is reverend@meta-ent.com. i'll still be checking in on the trueblackmetal community as well.

heartfelt thank you to all of you who had the common courtesy to disagree with me, to educate me, to get me thinking, and to recommend reads. take care of yourselves, and never lose your passion for asking questions, seeking answers, and excercising your minds. you are truly something above the common animal and brilliant examples of human beings, i think.

vapid puerile anguished elation

2002-01-04T13:32:47Z

i thought about killing them today. as she sat in the back and cried saying we were her only family, and as she sat in the front upset and wanting to be left alone; as i crossed the intersection, they started yelling when they saw the SUV coming up on the left. i could have killed them. i wish i could figure out if i wanted to.

wait no, this was yesterday.

the meaning of life, the universe, and everything

2001-10-22T03:27:14Z

active and frequent listening to the music of your choice

active and frequent consumption of the coffee of your choice

active and frequent assistance of/for self and others

active and frequent pursuit of the meaning of life, the universe, and everything

it's that simple.

at this juncture, you may be reeling from the shock that, not only does the meaning of life, the universe, and everything not involve some whirring, seething hell-ball of perverse logistics and a heavy-handed dealing of theory, but it also does not involve finding the question, answer, or even meaning. it involves only the pursuit of it! interesting, ain't it?

you see, we should enjoy ourselves, help others do whatever it is they feel needs to be done, and question life, the universe, and everything. that's it, davey!

sure, there is a 4th dimension out there, possibly 5, 6, 7, and more.

there are most likely 'things' out there that we would call hyperdimensional, supernatural, pandimensional, or just alien.

there are wormholes, black holes, white holes, weakly interacting particles, gravitons, sub-quarks, dark matter, all being constantly created and destroyed on a quantum level, and sometimes on a larger scale.

and we most likely live in a universe that may be closed or open, finite or infinite, curved (positively or negatively) or flat. (note that, at this point, i should probably also mention that we may also just be part of a big nasty imaginative figmentation on the part of some sentient, foul-humoured entity)

and while this is all important on the large scale, it is not important to every single moronic monkey human living on this 3rd-dirtball from the Sun. and this is as it should be.

it everyone concerned themselves with things that actually ARE important on every scale imaginable, we wouldn't have things like electric toothbrushes and Michelle Branch

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<em(who>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

it's a widely known fact that the answer to the ultimate question about life, the universe, and everything is 42.

the question to this answer is debatable.

but what is the meaning behind this question and this answer?
what is the meaning behind the question of live, the universe, and everything? what is the meaning behind 42?

honestly, it's not as complex as you might think.

i have spent more time reading the signs and solving the riddle of eternal life than i have discerning the meaning of life, the universe, and everything.

so, here it goes:

<li>active and frequent listening to the music of your choice
<li>active and frequent consumption of the coffee of your choice
<li>active and frequent assistance of/for self and others
<li>active and frequent pursuit of the meaning of life, the universe, and everything

it's that simple.

at this juncture, you may be reeling from the shock that, not only does the meaning of life, the universe, and everything not involve some whirring, seething hell-ball of perverse logistics and a heavy-handed dealing of theory, but it also does not involve finding the question, answer, or even meaning. it involves only the pursuit of it! interesting, ain't it?

you see, we should enjoy ourselves, help others do whatever it is they feel needs to be done, and question life, the universe, and everything. that's it, davey!

sure, there is a 4th dimension out there, possibly 5, 6, 7, and more.

there are most likely 'things' out there that we would call hyperdimensional, supernatural, pandimensional, or just alien.

there are wormholes, black holes, white holes, weakly interacting particles, gravitons, sub-quarks, dark matter, all being constantly created and destroyed on a quantum level, and sometimes on a larger scale.

and we most likely live in a universe that may be closed or open, finite or infinite, curved (positively or negatively) or flat. (note that, at this point, i should probably also mention that we may also just be part of a big nasty imaginative figmentation on the part of some sentient, foul-humoured entity)

and while this is all important on the large scale, it is not important to every single moronic monkey human living on this 3rd-dirtball from the Sun. and this is as it should be.

it everyone concerned themselves with things that actually ARE important on every scale imaginable, we wouldn't have things like electric toothbrushes and Michelle Branch <em(who happens to have a beautiful disjointed smile that reminds me of a girl i know).

so, if these things matter to you, great!

if they don't, great!

just know that, whether or not you think they're important, they are happening.

and if you'd rather concern yourself with horrendous yet entertaining interpersonnal relations with other moron monkey humans on this dirtball, you're an idiot! hah hah hah.

The Thesis of the Angel of Cruelty

2001-10-16T04:59:09Z

A man cannot truly see the pitiable state of his existence until he has been shown a greater existence.

A man cannot truly see the greatness of his existence until he has been shown a lesser existence.

One can no more cruel a deed do than show another a glimpse of a greater existence, lest the other's eyes be opened to the full extent of the inherent, inescapable flaws of his own.

Thus is the Thesis of the Angel of Cruelty.

Consider it well before you attempt enlightenment of self or others.

america under attack, ii

2001-09-12T03:18:52Z

funny how people grow small brains and rather large mouths when something catastrophic happens.

Yummee just got done showing me a couple of livejournal comment threads, which i'm sure are only 2 of dozens, comprising one or two people saying they didn't feel very strongly about what happened this morning or even looking at it from the 'terrorist's point of view.

one particular thread started when some person remarked, basically, that "there is a big bully who tries to force it's way on 3rd world countries. one day those countries strike back at the big bully, and the big bully whines, calling them terrorists instead of freedom fighters."

boy, did that ever bring alot of ignorant people out of the works in response. so far as to one ignorant person saying that her dad was ex-CIA, and if anything happened where she lived, she would report the original poster.

what a whole lot of people don't seem to understand is that there are, at least, 2 sides to every issue.

when we entered into ww2, people were happy as hell. people were out in the streets cheering, big ticker-tape parads and all, despite the fact that people were dying. everyone defends their morbid warlove by saying that "we were the good guys, just killing the bad guys".

what people don't understand is that these other factions think the same way, that they are good and we are bad.

people say "oh, but in ww2, we were attacked first! our fighting was only in defense of our country!"

what they don't understand is that these other factions feel the same way. they feel that our country's nosing into their business is an act of aggression, and since they do not have a congress to officially declare war, or tank platoons to send rolling onto our shores, they do what they can to strike at us. they kill innocent people.

and if you are thinking of responding to this, telling me that i'm sick, there is no justification for what they did, yadda yadda, then go fuck yourself. i am not justifying; i merely state that not everyone agrees with us Americans that we are the good guys.

america under attack

2001-09-11T21:02:10Z

this just in:

it turns out that authorities have discovered that the terrorists responsible for the attacks had been playing violent video games like Doom and listening to Marilyn Manson for many months.

::smirk::

Sparkmage, everyone else in new york, i hope you guys are okay.

God help us if the draft starts up again.

metarage @ 2001-09-11T01:11:00

2001-09-11T06:22:03Z

first things first: to whoever it was that e-mailed me awhile back asking about the new Darkthrone album, it's called Plaguewielder (or is it Plaguebearer? eh...)

ah, the college life. so far, it is great. this is my newest equation:

High School - Bullshit = College

very sweet. in high school, i would sit there all day, sneaking in chances to listen to my CD player or cratch up on the sleep that a certain RPG has been denying me. in between music and sleeping, i would do worksheets, have to work with some morons no group assignments, tell people who wanted to cheat off of me to fuck off, and make stupid construction paper projects.

in college, noone talks. noone interrupts the instructor. people do their work. people care. there are no AP's ambling down the hallways looking for kids like me to fuck with. i got to class, take notes, leave, go outside, smoke a cigarette, rinse, repeat. very, very nice. oh, i also have a couple of tiny composition books in which i creepily watch and write down everything that goes on around me between classes.
(i might post some excerpts from those comp books)

not having to deal with morons for a long time has givin me a fresh perspective and rejuvinated attitude. bottom line - i don't deal with morons anymore. i don't do things i do not want to do for risk of hearing people's feelings. i have almost abolished all obvious actions done with tradition as a motivation from my life. life is good.

hmm... i just know heard (on stupid scooby-doo reruns, of all information sources) that the area that used to be called Persia is now Iran. who knew? i sure didn't. that means that Tammy girl from geometry class was Iranian. weird, huh?

in closing, let it be said that i now hope, with baited breath, that i, as Gord seems to do on a regular basis, will some day be the proud owner of a store whose wares i select. and i hope that one day i will catch someone stealing some of said wares and will proceed to beat the living crap out of them, x-men style.

for Rev. Garsh

2001-09-02T23:23:49Z

the return of the mackdaddy

2001-09-02T22:47:33Z

yes, i'm back. i know you all care.

metarage @ 2001-08-05T04:27:00

2001-08-05T09:28:23Z

i look around live journal now and i laugh.

what a shame it all is.

"the cure for disease X", or "reality, 70-90 years at a time"

2001-07-04T07:56:03Z

the things that seperates the human species from every other living organism we know of is the fact that we can gain knowledge and act on it, that we have the ability to act independent of stimuli, our senses.

modern civilization, and the modern societies contained therein, all operate on the basis of the majority's perception of reality, which is based both on a theory called "time" which we arbitrarily base upon our average life-death cycle spans and on the input of our senses.

we all have our little daily routines. these routines can involve getting and eating food, sleeping in a shelter of one sort or another, or brushing our teeth.

sometimes these routines involve more esoteric, less menial tasks like researching a cure for a disease, studying the brain patterns of the human brain, trekking across antarctica.

the result of the basic routines will for the most part stay the same as long as we exist in the manner that we do.

but these more complicated routines... we work at a high-paying job day in and day out to make sure we have a shelter to sleep in, food to eat, dentist-insured teeth to brush.

so what are the results of those routines? we have a shelter to sleep in. food to eat. teeth to brush. and a toothbrush to brush them with.

the motivations of these routines? earning legal tender that enables us to afford such things as shelters and toothbrushes.

why must we do such? because the construct of our society within our civilization dictates that we must work whatever job in order to gain such legal tender, that we might spend it in whatever manner we see fit.

so it goes on... human A works away to provide shelter, and to pay for the miseducation of progeny, so that they might do the same. then human A dies. A's progeny, humans B and C, work to prodive shelter, and to pay for the miseducation of their progeny so that they might do the same. then humans B and C die. and this cycle goes on for a few thousand years, 70-90 years at a time.

meanwhile, there is disease, disdain, and death. people die for reasons that are not entirely natural. people spend their time hating other people. people die.

and live.

and die.

we as a species are making no effort to put to use our cognancy, instead electing to exist in a manner whose only results are (hopefully) shelter for progeny and a comfortable wait for death.

people COULD be working towards a cure for disease X. and sometimes they do. and once there is a cure for X, that cure could save everyone who has X and prevent the deaths of everyone who does not yet have X. but instead, people must pay legal tender for the cure to X, and that's only the people in the same general region as the site of the creation of the cure for X. all the people in countries far off that have disease X may never see the cure. some people in countries far off that have disease X may not even know what disease X is, much less know that a cure is available.

the minds of times past labored to create for recent generations ways to minimize menial, mundane tasks. we have grocery stores of boxed and fresh food, we have computers with which massive amounts of information can be exchanged. we have electric toothbrushes. we have ways of automating most tasks in such a manner that so much more manpower could be devoted to progress, yet we merely add in more menial tasks to spend time on.

the minds of the past even sort forth things that could aid the progress of our species once the tasks that formerly took so much of our life-death cycles (ie: hunting and gathering, making clothing, working, exploring), we could then make valiant, valid efforts towards progress as a species. the internet, space shuttles, satellites, genetic engineering that could provide enough food to feed everyone on the planet.

how does our existence as a species differ from every other living organism we know of?

really, it doesn't.

we live, we die, and in between we react to input and make an effort to make our lifespans and those of our progeny as comfortable as possible.

i stand firm on my belief that we as a species could progress beyond our constraints, whether self-implemented or not. we could do more with our life-death cycles.

"groping", or "human-biased perception"

2001-06-15T10:52:27Z

upon recent browsing through the growing collection of books in my closet, i found a book i forgot i had entitled The Psychologist's Book of Self-Tests (from my days of extreme self-absorption), and i got a kick out of a certain passage that followed one of the tests in which the author said something to the effect of, "it's not that i couldn't answer [the great questions in life], it's just that i lost interest in them. i am content in simply living my life". not too long ago i would have scoffed at such an admittance of non-inquisitive existence, but now, well... i think it would be interesting to live again as i once did, as he and so many others do. they say that curiosity killed the cat - while i doubt my curiosity is terminal, i do see how a person's search can make them bitter, cynical, and worse. it's far too easy to become too absorbed in esoteric searches for insight and lose track of what is going on around you.

i was talking to susan's brother a night or two ago. i enjoyed myself because he had alot of questions and i had answers in spades. one of his questions was how can God have always been there, the whole 'Aplha and Omega' thing. i tried explaining to him that we can't really comprehend it because we know reality as a cause and effect, creation and destruction sort of thing, and that there are multiple dimensions and that perhaps the existence of a supernatural being would not have to be explainable in terms of a creation from physical/metaphysical stuffs in another dimensions, but really i ended up going in circles. it's really hard to explain something that you yourself are not sure about. but damned if i didn't try. i don't know, sometimes it's almost annoying, the fact that our perseption is so insanely biased by what we our, everything is subject to our 5 senses and our limited sense of logic and reason. a damn shame; i know we're missing out on a lot. and it seems like it would be an extreme uphill battle to catch even the slightest glimpse of the grand scheme of things through a viewpoint not inhibited or handicapped by our physical existence as it is. even some of the most revered thinkers i've studied were still often subject to their greatest weakness: the fact that they're human. i think Plato's cave theory was coming pretty damn close to the real deal, but i dunno.

i saw tesla online this evening, and i hadn't talked to her in awhile so i IMed her. turns out, she and many of her friends have livejournals as well. i wonder what it is that makes livejournal so appealing. my guess would be that people like to take introspective glimpses at themselves and others, but don't usually want to go through the 'trouble' of writing it down; however, when they find out they can mark down things in much the same manner as they surf the net and e-mail people, they go for it. but i don't know. sparkmage had some pretty feasible ideas on why people use it, but he was being rather cynical at the time. hah.

i've met alot of interesting people in the last couple of years, and i've also met some boring, "common" ones. the interesting group comprises an eclectic blend of persons that often think outside of the box most people exist in. they are either very inquisitive as to the nature of everything, creative to a high degree, or both. the common ones just sort of move around and make noise. with apologies to Plato, i've come up with my own answer to the cave theory:

the stream theory

basically, it works like this: there is this great valley. on either side of the valley lie mountains whose sides are emblazoned with exotic flora and fauna amidst a forest-like setting. through the center of the valley flows a wide, fast-moving stream. the sun shines brightly above all.

those common people, they are like fish within said stream - they go with the flow of the currents, congregating in schools with other fish. from their perspective, the sun is distorted and far away, so they pay it little heed.

the interesting people, they hop out of the stream and grow a semblence of appendages which helps them move. with these appendages they slowly grope their way through the forest, questioning, analyzing, and studying the exotic flora and fauna along the way, hoping to eventually move into a clearing to gain a clear view of the sun.

in this metaphor, the stream represents the majority within our species. the valley represents reality as we perceive it. the mountains and the forest represent the obstacles faced by those who would swathe their own path through reality instead of flowing along with the stream. the sun represents truth. and the exotic flora and fauna of the valley outside the stream, products of the sunlight (since plants and animals thrive with sunlight), represent products of the influence of truth (which could specifically be certain thinkers or ideas or theories).

as the 'interesting ones' move through the forest and over the mountains, they catch brief glimpses of the sunlight, or truth, and it is this that keeps them going on the more difficult, less-chosen path, because they are curious.

now that i have that delightful little metaphor down, there are still some sharp questions that are jabbing into my psyche. what i would really like to know is why certain people hop out of the stream. originally i thought it was a result of settings affected experiences, but i doubt that now, because i have seen firsthand more than one incident of a there being a family where one childe is flowing along happily in the stream while another is sort of groping his way through the forest on land, questioning and analyzing the exotic animals he sees and the glimpses of sunlight he thinks he sees.

anyone have any ideas?

magna deluge

2001-06-09T20:19:23Z

it's been raining and flooding like hell here in houston. my mother had to work a 12 hour shift last night, and this morning we were declared a federal disaster area, so my mom will be forced to remain on the 24th floor of a tower in a hospital that is powerless for the remainder of today and possibly tomorrow. this situation is in no way good, and it is made even worse by the fact that my mother is a bit claustrophobic and milling about darkened hospital halls 24 stories above soggy ground cannot be much fun for her.

even worse, she and the other nurses probably cannot do a great job taking care of patients without all the monitors, elevators, and various other ailment-aiding oddities which are electricly powered. what amazes me the most i think is the fact that the backup generators are located in the same now-water-filled basement as the complex's main power source. the same can be said for 3 other hospitals within the medical center. only the newest building, texas children's hospital, has a backup power source that is not located at ground level or below within the building. this is amazing because the people knew that the area could flood if we were hit with a great deal of rain, so surely they could have placed the generators somewhere other than an underground basement. oi.

i talked with my mother on the phone, and she seems to be taking it pretty well so far, though her frequent yawns evidenced her fatigue. i'm still watching the local news channels, waiting for news of the coast guard so that i can relay the information back to her. i hope this little crisis can be resolved shortly so that my mother can take good care of her patients and make it home safely and sane.

in other news, my Gundam collection now comprises the following:

HG 1/100 Gundam X Divider GG-9900-DV

HG 1/100 Gundam Deathscythe XXXG-01D

HG 1/100 Gundam Deathscythe Hell XXXG-01D2

HG 1/144 Gundam Wing ZERO XXXG-00W0

HG 1/144 Gundam Deathscythe Hell Custom XXXG-01D2

1/144 Gundam Sandrock XXXG-01SR

1/144 Altron Gundam XXXG-01S2

a note to anyone else who collects Gundam models: do not buy the 1/144 Sandrock. it is hands-down the crappiest model i have ever constructed. there's a reason a 1/100 version was never produced. i've also heard that the 1/144 Heavyarms is just as bad.

eesh, still no word on the national guard, though the declaration of this area as a federal disaster area has just been made official by president bush. whee. i hope those hospitals can get back online pretty quick.

over and over images of people helping people are flashing across the screens, mentions of business opening their doors and serving as temporary shelters, and i can't help but wonder... the people in this city are usually quite aggressive in their self-centered pursuits, and i wouldn't have expected so many people to be so selfless as they have been for the past 16 or so hours. i fail to understand this. most days houston is a poster child for the rat race, for the dog-eat-dog theory. yet when we are cuffed on the ear by a tropical storm and dumped on by residual storms, many a person's oddly-proportioned image of self fades to black as other people begin to matter.

why is this?

why does it take some catastrophic, cataclysmic crisis to get people to take their collective heads out of their collective asses?

oh, and there is some humour to this siutation that is not to be lost among the mayhem. moments ago i was treated to television images of some members of the ignorant masses emerging from dilapidated business with garbage bags full of ill-gotten merchandise. it is my opinion that law enforcement agencies should have placed sharpshooters at strategic posts and cut down the thieves on principle. should a person lose their life over wanton theft of mundane materials? no. should a person be shot in their fat head because they are ignoring the situation at hand and working against progress on a small scale, using their time and energy for personal gain instead of assuring the safety of loved ones and/or strangers? yes. but that's just my opinion.

it irks me, the fact that a week from now things will be again as they were a week ago. still, i cannot say that i am not impressed by what seem like valid efforts at helping those in a time of need.

it is these life-altering, reality-bubble-shattering events that bring out the best and worse in people. they remove the false sense of security that forms complacency, and force people to act instead of reacting.

it is also my opinion that this is a good thing, despite the un-powered health facilities and soggy carpets of suburban america.

my belief stands, however, that people should already live lives of action and not reaction, and it shouldn't take a disaster of any sort to briefly rouse them from their state of dormancy.

'beelzebub', or 'shucks to your ass-mar'

2001-06-07T06:57:21Z

today i managed to catch an episode of the simpsons. it was the episode where the kids take a trip on the bus and end up stranded on a deserted isle, forced to form their own society. the episode is very similar to the book The Lord of the Flies. i'm pretty sure the similarities are intended, seeing as how bart exercises leadership via the assistance of a conch shell and the 'hah-hah' kid says "shucks to your..." once or twice.

that book was good. it was interesting to read on as the childer went through stages that i suppose were intended by the authoer, whomever that might be, to mirror human beings in the face of a rising society and, to a lesser extent, a civilization. the only problem i had with the book was the rather graphic descriptions of the few gory events. i think we as a species are far too entertained or engrossed (pun intended, you bastards) by depictions of others of our species losing their lives in myriad morbid fashions; however, i do not think the author's intent was to shock or titilate - rather, i feel it was to further emphasize the passing of a person or persons in the flow of time.

one of the more interesting parts of the book was when the character was spoken to by the impaled boar's skull, hence the book's title.

on another note, just before my arrival home this evening i heard, on the radio, the new nine inch nails song from the tomb raider soundtrack, and i must say, trent reznor is certainly veering away from the once-great sound that was nine inch nails. i first got into the group between the releases of the downward spiral and the perfect drug, thus my first impressions of the band lie in such masterpieces as "the becoming", "eraser (denial; realization)", "reptilian", and the various self destruction mixes and remixes. it is thus with great disappointment i listen to newer 'hits' from the nails such as "into the void" and that tomb raider song (i believe it was called "deep", or somesuch). what a shame it is to see such a great act from such a talented mind degress. a few years back, when the first korn album was released, i got very much into the band. more and more, as life is peachy was released, followed by follow the leader and issues, i was witness to a band whom i once had great respect for fall by the wayside, joining a legion of other once-great acts that had become worse than mediocre with time and success.

as a matter of fact, i'm quite sure that it was the transition from korn to rage against the machine to sepultura that introduced to me the wonderful world of underground 'extreme' music, where bands are (in my opinion) much more creative and talented, constantly pushing the limits imposed by traditional genres comprising such classic acts as venom, celtic frost, carcass, sodom, throbbing gristle, and the aforementioned sepultura.

and, indeed, it seems to me quite a shame to see such bands as korn and nine inch nails, who at one point had easily established themselves as the classics of generations to come due to their soundcraft of taking elements from multiple genres and combining with them styles fresh and original and creating a great sound, become nothing more than fodder for the peckish and picky masses.

granted, trent reznor had quite a reputation to live up to, and i wouldn't expect him to be able to create again such amazing songs as eraser and the becoming, yet i believe that his most recent efforts are not the result of the focused musician. and it's a damn shame.

on yet another note, my Gundam model collection now comprises the following:

HG 1/100 scale Deathscythe Hell

HG 1/144 scale Deathscythe Hell Custom

HG 1/144 scale Wing ZERO Custom

1/144 scale Gundam Sandrock
and there also happens to be a 1/144 scale Altron sitting in its box which i shall construct upon awakening tomorrow morn.

one more thing that should be noted:

Jhonen Vasquez, creator of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, is a creative genius whose talents rank up there with the best (Bill Waterson and Gary Larson) in the comics industry.

some of the surefire elements to an enjoyable comic, ie artsy black and white graphics and a protagonist who draws his own comics and disembowels people with sporks, are present in Jhonen's works. i would definitely recommend them to most anyone who would appreciate such.

the little things that make life worth living

2001-06-03T20:56:47Z

coffee on a chilly evening
a good book
waking at 3am Christmas morning to stare at the room illuminated by tree lights
sipping hot chocolate in front of a fireplace
living in a city and finding the nearest "wilderness" and exploring it
melba toast
spontaeneous road trips with friends
getting off of work and not being tired
calvin & hobbes
putting together a model on a lazy sunday afternoon
finding a pack of cigarettes
having your RPG character(s) gain a level
sleeping on the floor of a home you recently moved into
long, warm hugs
crawling into a freshly-made bed with clean sheets after a long day
collapsing into a dirty, haphazard bed after a busy day
cats
tomato soup in a mug
artsy female nudity
seeing a favourite band live and having a great time even if they sound like crap
finding an old friend in the mosh pit
going to sleep while listening to an 'extreme metal' cd and waking up to the instrumental track
clove cigarettes
playing an old DOS adventure game and remembering how fun they are
having a friend place their absolute faith in you and not disappointing them
meeting someone who enjoys literature, solitude, and black metal as much as you do
playing something at random on a keyboard/piano and liking it
remembering good times past and not recalling the bad times
talking to an old friend and realizing that they haven't changed as much as you thought
sitting in an empty apartment, smoking a cigarette and listening to a good cd
un-regretted honesty and candor
milling about your home with a couple good friends for an evening
having a good friend of the opposite sex who smells like roses all the time
the slimy feel and lotiony smell of over-conditioned hair after a shower
philosophical discussions at a coffee shop
finding out that the sequel to a book you like just came out
libraries
jamming with your band in a hot garage
coding a website and having it come out virtually error-free the first time
finding a deodorant brand that smells great
hanging out with friends and laughing until your kidneys hurt
that better-than-orgasm feeling you get after vomiting
camping in the middle of nowhere
those bizarre 3am conversations on the internet
getting home just in time to catch space ghost
getting a copy of a friends' bands' cd
coming up with a slick guitar riff out of nowhere
waking up with 'wings' & 'cow-licks' in your hair and not brushing them out all day
browsing through your magic: the gathering cards just to look at the pictures and read the flavour text

question of the day

2001-05-27T07:01:54Z

is it necessary to look at an issue from multiple sides?

some paraphrased answers:

drano: "if you look at in issue from a single side, than it is for selfish reasons"

engelycka: "it depends upon the situation and any people involved"

Spawn: "it's not necessary, but wise"

miyu: "yes, because it isn't fair to look at an issue from a single side"

ivan: "yes, it is necessary, because it helps to remain open-minded"

garsh: "it's always necessary; it is crucial to consider all the facets of any influence"

\anyone else?

observations and theories

2001-05-22T22:31:08Z

why people are so self-important

from birth, they are taught that ours is a "dog-eat-dog" world

animal instincts of competition/survival

a background-oriented childhood, ie during their early life, they were placed in the 'background' of their setting amidst family

apathetic reaction to a constant display of false or exaggerated emotions

what makes a story good

appeals to id, ego, libido, or all 3

either closely mirrors reader's life or is radically different

reflects on subjects of interest from multiple angles

involves progress of human spirit, ascension above human spirit, destruction of the human spirit, or total absence of the human spirit

why people are 'outwardly introspective'

feel they must understand self to understand others

want people to know "how they really feel" due to a lack of communication otherwise

to better prepare for social interactions

they fail to understand self so they want someone else to try

why people are 'inwardly extroverted'

don't want people to know their weaknesses

don't want people to be able to correctly relate (part of Exit Theory)

want to understand their self before others do

don't want people to be able to second-guess them or predict their actions

methodology over latte

2001-05-22T04:33:47Z

my method of situational analysis comprises a three-tier arrangement: the lowest tier consisting of peoples' actions, and reactions, with motivations playing a strong part (based on the theory i'm working on) as well as the positive and negative effects of said actions. these involved details are important to the other areas of the analysis. also playing a part in the first tier is my theory that most people's personality and the way they react to stimuli involves about 75% of the effect of their environment on them, and about 25% of the reflections of their personal experiences. i place these effects on a sort of 'personal scale' of actions and reactions, where the positive is on one end and the negative on the opposite, with a neutral area in between. the range of this scale is dynamically affected by personal experience gained and applied. thus, once a person's scale has been determind, their actions or reactions can be placed eiher on the positive or negative side of the scale, depending on range and motivations.

the second tier involves the means and the end, as well as their individual positive and negative aspects.

the third and highest tier represents a sort of "zooming out", viewing the situation in terms of pure action/reaction and the motivations upon which they are based, positive/negative.

obviously, analyzing things this way ignores alot of variables and unknowns, and the positive/negative aspects are relative, of course, but this method works well for me, and that's what matters. it takes a few different perspectives and sort of lines them up, making them easier to analyze by themselves. and i need this, because my thought patterns are highly unorganized and i get distracted far too easily.

the other factor involved is the fact that zero sometimes refers to people who blindly move through life as 'weak', so i used this as a basis of comparison.

anyway, on to the situation and results:

this evening, on the phone and later over coffee at starbucks, five-speed and i applied a few of my blossoming theories to a situation that arose in his art class today.

characters involved:
five-speed - protagonist
tommy - nickname of the antagonist
tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum - two guys in the art class that often laugh at five-speed's antics and provide comic relief of their own

the story, in a nutshell, is as follows: general mayhem in the classroom with everyone dicking off. five-speed threw something at tommy, tommy got annoyed. five-speed threw something again, the tweedles laughed, tommy fumed, tommy rose, tommy started to walk over to five-speed, five-speed told tweedle-dee and -dum to shut up, tommy reconsidered, tommy went and sat back down and punched his backpack instead. they all got over it and actually did their work. five-speed felt good.

later, on the phone, he told me that he was "going to hell" for the whole incident. that's when, for shits and giggles, i decided to try analyzing it with The method.

let it be noted that the following is simply information that was garnered from five-speed and sorted/analyzed using my theory. the opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect my own, so if you want to debate them, visit five-speed's journal. i do, however, welcome comments and suggestions pertaining to my theories. with that out of the way, here's what i got:

at the lowest tier, five-speed decided that tommy was fundamentally strong for acting how he did, since the motivation behind his action was self-esteem. even though he responded to a negative action with a negative reaction, he then swung to the opposite side of his 'personal scale' with a more positive reaction. five-speed then determined that he was fundamentally strong for acting how he did, since the motivation behind his negative action was to gauge tommy's response, and the motivation behind his positive reaction to tommy's negative reaction was to not provoke tommy further. once all was said and done, tommy was calm and doing his work, five-speed was doing his work, the tweedles were doing their work, and they lived happily ever after.

the second tier of this situation struck me as very interesting: the end of this situation was a positive one, yet the means were (arguably) negative. so, i suppose it could be said that the end justified the means.

at the highest tier, this is what he arrived at:

negative action - negative motivation = positive action

negative reaction + negative motivation = negative reaction

positive action + positive motivation = positive action

negative reaction - negative motivation = positive action

and positive + negative - negative = positive

thus:

(negative action - negative motivation) + (negative reaction + negative motivation) + (positive action + positive motivation) + (negative reaction - negative motivation) = positive end

what this tells me is that either

1. my original theory that progress can only come from whatever actions with whatever motivation being responded to with positive reactions and positive motivations is wrong,

2. my new situational analysis/theory has a few kinks in it,

or

3. both 1 and 2

either way, this semi-practical application of a theory of mine has me excited. going to make it a point to use it some more.

fun with number's

2001-05-20T19:21:11Z

i met a guy a couple nights ago at #'s. our conversation started when he asked how much samp?rna cloves cost 'these days'. i told him, and from there, our talk underwent a few twists and turns, most of them interesting. what really struck me, however, was when he mentioned that he was fresh out of jail. upon my inquiry, he told me that is was for burglery.

about a year ago, my father's apartment was robbed. amazingly enough, the dishonourable chap who pilfered our belongings was caught not a month later, and the majority of the stolen goods was returned to us, but i'm getting off subject.

out of curiosity, i asked if he had happened to burgle one of the apartments in this complex, but he said no. after a brief pall of silence, i asked him why he had stolen. without missing a beat, his deadpan reply drilled itself into my mind.

"For the fun of it."

i'm not quite sure why this struck me as it did. perhaps because it is a quote more suited to the odd movies i've seen recently, and not as well-suited to an average-looking joe at an all-ages nightclub who is meeting a friend from england and hoping a drunk girl will take him home.

before i could question him further, our friend bid a brief goodbye and meandered back inside in search of his friend. the rest of the night went pretty well. one other highlight came about an hour and a half later.

after a couple of screwdrivers on an empty stomach, i was just about gone. not drunk, mind you, but in that giddy, wreckless-abandon mood. seated on a chair that's on the seats, i am about 10 feet above the dance floor, just watching the writhing, twisting bodies in the multicoloured barrage of hot lights, when i see digitalus rex waltz in. i hop down and say hi, whereupon she introduces me to her friend liz. as we're greeting, rex mentions to liz that i am the guy on her website that likes black metal (at least i think that's what she was saying), so i attempt to throw up the horns. now, at this point all the blood was rushing in and out of my head, the lights were getting to me, and notice that i said attempted to throw up the horns. what i realized, just as i was returning to my seat above and behind five-speed and osito, was that i had flipped her off.

needless to say, that hit my funny bone in all the right ways.

"the why", or "you have to understand where they're coming from"

2001-05-17T21:23:11Z

something easier said than done: responding to an action based on the motivation that drove the action and not the action itself.

it seems to me that the majority of people i've encountered in my life have a bit of trouble expressing themselves. this is made evident by the fact that you can so often here people going, "oh, i didn't mean that" or "i didn't mean to say that, it just popped out."

also, many times people will react instead of acting. upon reflection they will realize a fault in their actions. "well, had i known (blank), i wouldn't have said (blank)."

more and more i'm becoming convinced that humans should interact on a basis of motivation. i think we would all benefit if, when someone says or does something, we don't react. instead, we act, we take the initiative, we try to step back, or 'zoom out' for a moment, and try to discern the person's motivations behind their actions. "where they're coming from." thus, we can respond in a much more positive matter. or at least a more efficient manner.

hah, that's another thing. someone does something 'hurtful', then someone goes, "well, you have to understand where they're coming from..."

you know, i'm trying my damndest not to be cynical here, but it really seems like most people don't follow their own advice, especially where the understanding of the motivations behind actions is involved.

too often, it is easier for us to react, almost instinctually, and stab twice the person who has stabbed us but once.

hmm... okay, i'm going to kill (pardon the pun) that train of thought right now. i already failed my conscious effort not to be cynical, and i don't want to dig my grave any deeper as it were.

often i ponder the fact that some parents seems so utterly well-equipped in dealing with their childer. mine included. it seems that no matter what we do, our progenitors deal with it very well. here's an example off the top of my mind:

a parent tells their childe not to do something. the kid gets rather miffed and, after a brief spell of ranting and raving, exits to their room with a slam of the door. instead of reacting with anger and trailing the young person to their room, threatening with punishments and such, the parent remains calm, stays where they are. later, the young person returns to the living room with a sniffled apology.

now, in this little scenario, the parent, instead of reacting against anger with anger, has made a conscientous effort to remain calm, because the parent knows the motivations behind the childe's actions. say, perhaps, the childe got so angry because they had gotten into trouble earlier that day. or their stereo had quit working. a close friend has pulled an abhorrent display of histrionics. whatever. the parent realizes that any of these, or more, could be the cause of the sudden outburst of anger.

so, then, our parent just endures the storm until the childe has had time to think about what has transpired.

this illustrates why it is important to deal with people based on the motivations for their actions and not the actions themselves, because, once again, actions are often misconstrued, thrown out misappropriately, or worse.

to further illutrate my point, here's a slightly different scenario:

the parent tells their kid that they can't do something. the kid starts bitching and yelling, so the parents throws down their news article, rises from their seat, and starts threatening punishment. the young person dares them further, so the parents sets in motion disciplinary events, grounding or somesuch. the childe gets even angrier and begins slinging about profanity. the adult gets even more upset and kicks the young person out of the house. the young person shouts an agreement, and a few weeks later the adult and childe are still fuming. or worse, the kid really does get kicked out of the house and must move in with friends for awhile. become a bum. whatever.

i think that stupid story serves its purpose.

this brings me to another point:

when you deal with someone based on the motivations of their actions, there is an element of assumption, but it should be kept as minimal as possible. people can often assume way too much. i'd like to note here that i've found that the best way to discern someone's motivations is to ask them, instead of trying to discern them based on nothing more than past personal interactions.

don't think you know someone. people are damned complicated.

tipping the scales

2001-05-14T04:14:38Z

something that bothers me... the fact that everyone is so dishonest, both with their self and everyone else. it's almost like noone can be honest. two things that i think are of the utmost importance are honesty and candor, and most people lack both of these. well, some people... candor exists, but in all the wrong places.

it just really gets to me that everyone has alterior motives when they do something. always. and i think there are two categories for this: those that play games, and those that just don't know how to be honest, neither with themselves nor with others.

to get someone to really speak their mind takes vast amounts of goading and pushing, yet most of the time that doesn't work either.

and my question is this: is it that people don't know how to say what they want to say, or is it that they don't have anything to say?

it seems to me that every action is masked by self-doubt, resentment, or worse. and all are born of pride.

is it really so difficult to be honest with others? with yourself?

the answer there is yes. the structure of our lives... it often is difficult to be honest because we can't handle the truth.

and even though we can't handle the truth, we often victimize ourselves when we don't receive it... almost as often, we victimize ourselves when we do receive it.

odd, isn't it?

and oh, how i tire of being asked if i enjoyed prom. prom was prom. it was a social event. what i enjoyed more were the events before and after - sitting about and drinking coffee with friends. and of course i enjoyed that; who wouldn't? i can think of little better than cigarettes, cloves, and coffee for an evening.

but dammit, i wouldn't tell you if i didn't enjoy prom because then you might think that you wanted an explanation as to why i didn't enjoy prom. you would ask why, but you'd stop listening shortly into my spiel. of course you would.

"actually listening, instead of waiting for your turn to speak"

our lives are one long, vain effort of waiting to say something.

what is it that we as humans want from our existence? it's happiness, either for ourselves, for others, or both. and right now i can't think of someone being happy with a life that was filled with them simply listening and not waiting to speak. because talking is overrated. yet we all feel a need to say something. it's an ultimately self-defeating effort.

it also happens to be rather difficult to strike any semblence of a balance between listening, waiting to speak, and speaking.

so we don't strike a balance. we let one of the scales tip and bit and then resent it, which lets the other scale tip, then we resent that, and the scale tips again. who is to say that balance is 50-50? i believe that a balance is actually swinging from 25-75 to 75-25 on a consistent, frequent basis.

today's question

2001-05-11T04:14:26Z

when is it you like yourself best?

here are some answers i received:

Spawn - "...sometimes role playing."

miyu - "at night after my day is done"

rex - "when i'm not myself"

five-speed - "i guess when i lay on the ground and look at the moon and remember this thing someone told me: 'you act your shoe size'"

engelycka - "when i'm asleep."

layla - "when i know exactly what i'm thinking"

Grishnachkt - "meow"

anyone else?

a layer of pity for the victims of society, spread thin

2001-05-11T04:01:40Z

among other things, alot of the popular kids at my school have this deal where when its their birthday, their 'friends' pin money on their shirt.

the guy's name is max. 6'1", about 275 lbs. likes digimon. was a sophomore this year. both parents dead. lives in an orphanage of sorts. 18 years old.

i had him for sociology class. when we had to do group work, i would always pair up with him because everyone else was an ass to him. and of course he didn't deserve it. sure, to a social-oriented person he's annoying, but he just wants friends. the typical story.

the day of his birthday, he was rather distraught over the fact that noone had given him money. i tried my darn'dest to explain to him that these people who pinned money on their friends' shirts weren't real friends at all, that it was a stupid socialyte thing, but of course he wouldn't listen. he didn't realize that the many people who said hello to him each day did it out of a lame sort of pity. you know, the meaningless kind.

such a sad thing, really. not having parents is difficult when society paints for us this perfect image of a family, i'm sure, but having familial ties is to have ties all the same. living in an orphanage means those are a few less ties to have. so much potential. someone who is so "unfettered" could do alot with their life. so many options open without having to deal with reprieve from the mother, resentment from the father, etc etc.

but instead, our friend max has been sold into one of the many plans society has laid out. almost funny how people will scoff at infomercials yet live their life in much the same fashion as the insomniac who buys his life in payments of $19.95... society tells them that they really need a high-paying job, nice car, smooth clothes, and to attend their 15th cousin's best friends' funeral to pay posthumous respect to someone they never bothered to respect in life.

there is more to learn from max besides the obvious, however; his rather unabashed way of inviting himself into your day and displaying candidness is to be admired, even though the personal cost to him must be great.

what a shame.

say... who knew dirty was a mood?